A meme from Etienne, which feeds into my need for another name. Feel free to call me any of the following you like, although I'm partial to 11 and 12:
1. ROCK STAR NAME:(first pet, current car):
Ginger CRV (or Ginger Honda)
2. GANGSTA NAME: (fav ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe):
Mexican Vanilla Boots
3. NATIVE AMERICAN NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal):
Blue Lion
4. SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born in):
Dawn Orange
5. STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name)
Edglu
6. SUPERHERO NAME: (The 2nd favorite color, favorite drink):
Green Tea (umm, would I kill villains with antioxidants...?)
7. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)
Jesse Frank
8. STRIPPER NAME: ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy):
Blue Godiva
10. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter):
Adair Austin
11. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower):
Winter Rose
12. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now):
Blueberry Wristwatch
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
WE GON' PARTY LIKE IT'S MY BIRFDAY
So I'm coming off a birthday/going-away bacchanal that culminated in my birthday celebration and a lunch which served as a denouement.
I didn't attend Katherine's lunch, regrettably. I tossed and turned and couldn't get to sleep until 6 a.m., with the lunch commencing all the way across Austin at 1 p.m. Needless to say, I was up by 12:45 with no hope of making it on time.
Her party Saturday was a blast. I am not exaggerating when I say that's the most leftover liquor I've ever seen at a party (including half a keg), which should give you some indication of what there was to start with. Everyone was sufficiently red-faced but remained composed, we all gulped down alcohol to kill the pain of saying goodbye to KDD, and there was damn fine cake.
Sunday was recuperation day for everyone but Blythe's helpful roommate Joey, who agreed to invite some mates over and work on the keg. Sunday night, I went to pick it up, and there was still I'd guess a quarter left. The sumbitch was really heavy, and after pulling the CRV into Blythe's back yard (as she suggested I do when I delivered it), I got the keg and tub all the way to the car and up against the back. And I began to fully realize how completely, totally, utterly out of shape I am compared to a few years ago.
At some point, I was going to have to lift the keg and tub up high enough to slide into the back of the CRV, about the top of my thigh. I also realized that was going to require rotation of my arms that I didn't think I had the strength for.
I really, really wanted to have beer for my birthday, and I was really, really frustrated that my wishes were being thwarted because my body wasn't cooperating. I was tired, mad, and after getting it to the car, had just enough adrenaline in me to get steamed. Before I knew it, I had rattled off a few f-bombs, snatched the tub handles, lifted from my ample ass and got it in there in one motion, actually amazing myself. And kinda straining a butt muscle. Then I heard Katherine in my head: "CRITIA SMAAASH!" And indeed I did.
Monday was muuuuuuuch better. As I told a friend on the phone, a birthday that starts out with a half keg of beer in your living room isn't a bad day. At 8 we were reclining in a booth at the downtown P.F. Chang's, sampling glorious grub and eating free chocolate cake, thank you Amy. And Tim, the only guy, was chivalrous and paid for us all. So I had a man buy me dinner on my birthday. Again, so far so good.
We walked a block (!) to the Cedar Door, and immediately got tucked in for a night of revelry. Chronicle "Easy Street" ads were read aloud, Mexican Martinis were downed in one, the rest of the crew got there and in all, we had a blast. This sounds silly, but I got cool things from Raeanne and Blythe, who, as Raeanne put it, "went shopping on our desks." I actually preferred those things, since they have a story and belonged to a friend beforehand.
It was really cool to look down the table and see all the people that came out to help me celebrate my birthday. That's really all I wanted, a simple get-together with the gang where we could talk about everything and nothing. It was a great 34th.
Her party Saturday was a blast. I am not exaggerating when I say that's the most leftover liquor I've ever seen at a party (including half a keg), which should give you some indication of what there was to start with. Everyone was sufficiently red-faced but remained composed, we all gulped down alcohol to kill the pain of saying goodbye to KDD, and there was damn fine cake.
Sunday was recuperation day for everyone but Blythe's helpful roommate Joey, who agreed to invite some mates over and work on the keg. Sunday night, I went to pick it up, and there was still I'd guess a quarter left. The sumbitch was really heavy, and after pulling the CRV into Blythe's back yard (as she suggested I do when I delivered it), I got the keg and tub all the way to the car and up against the back. And I began to fully realize how completely, totally, utterly out of shape I am compared to a few years ago.
At some point, I was going to have to lift the keg and tub up high enough to slide into the back of the CRV, about the top of my thigh. I also realized that was going to require rotation of my arms that I didn't think I had the strength for.
I really, really wanted to have beer for my birthday, and I was really, really frustrated that my wishes were being thwarted because my body wasn't cooperating. I was tired, mad, and after getting it to the car, had just enough adrenaline in me to get steamed. Before I knew it, I had rattled off a few f-bombs, snatched the tub handles, lifted from my ample ass and got it in there in one motion, actually amazing myself. And kinda straining a butt muscle. Then I heard Katherine in my head: "CRITIA SMAAASH!" And indeed I did.
Monday was muuuuuuuch better. As I told a friend on the phone, a birthday that starts out with a half keg of beer in your living room isn't a bad day. At 8 we were reclining in a booth at the downtown P.F. Chang's, sampling glorious grub and eating free chocolate cake, thank you Amy. And Tim, the only guy, was chivalrous and paid for us all. So I had a man buy me dinner on my birthday. Again, so far so good.
We walked a block (!) to the Cedar Door, and immediately got tucked in for a night of revelry. Chronicle "Easy Street" ads were read aloud, Mexican Martinis were downed in one, the rest of the crew got there and in all, we had a blast. This sounds silly, but I got cool things from Raeanne and Blythe, who, as Raeanne put it, "went shopping on our desks." I actually preferred those things, since they have a story and belonged to a friend beforehand.
It was really cool to look down the table and see all the people that came out to help me celebrate my birthday. That's really all I wanted, a simple get-together with the gang where we could talk about everything and nothing. It was a great 34th.
AND I WAS A LIBERAL ARTS MAJOR (edited)
We got an email (from someplace I can't name) involving Texas curriculum standards. Witness:
"OK, I offer a free cold, refreshing beverage of your choice (snip) to the (snip) who can -- without using the Internet -- answer ANY of the following questions from the state's new college readiness curriculum standards for Texas:
• Use slopes to describe the steepness and direction of lines in the coordinate plane and to determine if lines are parallel, perpendicular or neither.
• Recognize and describe univariate and bivariate data.
• Describe and explain the significance of historical development of quantum theory, modern atomic theory, biological evolution and plate tectonics.
• Qualitatively and quantitatively describe Newton’s Law of Gravitation and the factors that affect the gravitational force between two objects.
(And for the record, they are all too hard for me.)"
And here were my answers, without the benefit of the InterWebs:
1) Parallel lines share at least one X coordinate, and never intersect. They also each bear the same Y coordinate for the entire line (ex. Line 1's Y is 5, Line 2's Y is 10), otherwise they would be a parabola. The degree difference is 0. Perpendicular lines share an X and Y coordinate, but only one, and one line measures 90º from the other. Parabolas would fall into neither.
2) Univariate has only one variable in play in an experiment, bivariate has two?
3) The significance of all these subjects is huge, as I don't have to tell you. Quantum theory has told us everything we know about black holes, as well as actually giving birth to atomic theory, since quantum mechanics have to do with matter in an indivisible state. Once we split the atom, bang, (so to speak), atomic theory. Plate tectonics have enabled us to predict natural disasters, as well as understand how the earth is held together, basically sheets of rock floating on magma that occasionally rub each other the wrong way.
4) I forget what qual- and quant- mean without looking it up, but I know the gravitational force between two objects is in direct proportion to the mass of both objects.
And now I can't remember my name.
"OK, I offer a free cold, refreshing beverage of your choice (snip) to the (snip) who can -- without using the Internet -- answer ANY of the following questions from the state's new college readiness curriculum standards for Texas:
• Use slopes to describe the steepness and direction of lines in the coordinate plane and to determine if lines are parallel, perpendicular or neither.
• Recognize and describe univariate and bivariate data.
• Describe and explain the significance of historical development of quantum theory, modern atomic theory, biological evolution and plate tectonics.
• Qualitatively and quantitatively describe Newton’s Law of Gravitation and the factors that affect the gravitational force between two objects.
(And for the record, they are all too hard for me.)"
And here were my answers, without the benefit of the InterWebs:
1) Parallel lines share at least one X coordinate, and never intersect. They also each bear the same Y coordinate for the entire line (ex. Line 1's Y is 5, Line 2's Y is 10), otherwise they would be a parabola. The degree difference is 0. Perpendicular lines share an X and Y coordinate, but only one, and one line measures 90º from the other. Parabolas would fall into neither.
2) Univariate has only one variable in play in an experiment, bivariate has two?
3) The significance of all these subjects is huge, as I don't have to tell you. Quantum theory has told us everything we know about black holes, as well as actually giving birth to atomic theory, since quantum mechanics have to do with matter in an indivisible state. Once we split the atom, bang, (so to speak), atomic theory. Plate tectonics have enabled us to predict natural disasters, as well as understand how the earth is held together, basically sheets of rock floating on magma that occasionally rub each other the wrong way.
4) I forget what qual- and quant- mean without looking it up, but I know the gravitational force between two objects is in direct proportion to the mass of both objects.
And now I can't remember my name.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
ANOTHER BADASS PRODUCT
Another badass product
You actually COLOR MATCH your coffee or tea to swatches labeled Milky, Builders Brew, Just tea, Classic British, etc. Must have!!! Want now!!
Amused, but conflicted
My God. I don't know how to feel about this, because I'm sure it will be offensive to someone. Perhaps old lesbians.
Men who look like old lesbians
Speaking of things you're not sure how you feel about, I now think of The Count on Sesame Street as a dirty, dirty vampiric puppet.
You actually COLOR MATCH your coffee or tea to swatches labeled Milky, Builders Brew, Just tea, Classic British, etc. Must have!!! Want now!!
Amused, but conflicted
My God. I don't know how to feel about this, because I'm sure it will be offensive to someone. Perhaps old lesbians.
Men who look like old lesbians
Speaking of things you're not sure how you feel about, I now think of The Count on Sesame Street as a dirty, dirty vampiric puppet.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
eHARMONY
I'm finally free. I'd go through the whole "free at last" thing, but it's kinda disrespectful to the Good Doctor.
Those lying bastards are getting no more of my money. The ads you see on TV? Fifty bucks says they're actors. When these so-called "couples" actually start doing live interviews and/or being seen in public together, I might start to swallow it.
Everyone I've ever met who's been on or is still on eHarmony is dissatisfied with the experience, and didn't find "the one," or even anyone. My friend Katherine got matched to engineers, I got matched to preachers and missionaries. Oh, and that toothless guy with no car. And that's not a joke.
Dr. Neil Warren needs to quit popping back in my inbox, telling me how I've made a mistake and all the "spokescouples" quit too before rejoining and miraculously finding the love of their lives. Leave me alone, old man. Get out of my life, and take your Ted Knight haircut with you. I have escaped the prison of hope you put people in, and I'm passing around the key to everyone I can find.
Simply put, eHarmony does well and truly suck.
Those lying bastards are getting no more of my money. The ads you see on TV? Fifty bucks says they're actors. When these so-called "couples" actually start doing live interviews and/or being seen in public together, I might start to swallow it.
Everyone I've ever met who's been on or is still on eHarmony is dissatisfied with the experience, and didn't find "the one," or even anyone. My friend Katherine got matched to engineers, I got matched to preachers and missionaries. Oh, and that toothless guy with no car. And that's not a joke.
Dr. Neil Warren needs to quit popping back in my inbox, telling me how I've made a mistake and all the "spokescouples" quit too before rejoining and miraculously finding the love of their lives. Leave me alone, old man. Get out of my life, and take your Ted Knight haircut with you. I have escaped the prison of hope you put people in, and I'm passing around the key to everyone I can find.
Simply put, eHarmony does well and truly suck.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
QUICK HITS: THE RECKONING
LAST-SECOND AWESOMENESS
Before I go any further, the last seconds of the Cowboys game. Holy effin COW. 5-0!!!!!
Forget the Romosexuals. This clutch-kicking rookie, Nick Folk, needs his own fan club:
Romo reportedly tied a Cowboys record with 5 interceptions. What he shouldn't feel bad about is the QB he's tied with. Troy Aikman. Not Danny White, not Babe Laufenberg, not Gary freakin' Hogeboom.
Chin up, Tone. Every gunslinger has a bad day; ask Brett Favre.
But no more "dates" for you with Carrie Underwood the night before a game.
WHY I LOVE LIZ TAYLOR
Elizabeth Rosemond Taylor turned 75 years old on February 27 of this year, and she has turned into the crazy ol' lady I can only aspire to be in a few decades. Witness:
I love it that she doesn't even care what anybody thinks of her anymore, so she's gonna howl at the pop-press. That howl says to me, "I'm Elizabeth Taylor, and I can buy and sell you. Aaaaand I'm out."
Miss Thang hangs with fabulous men both gay and straight, does charity work, INVENTED bling, did 8 sentences in the "my man's a pain in the ass" jail, is a Dame Commander of the British Empire, and has forever intwined her visage with the most powerful female ruler ever. Think of Cleopatra and try NOT to picture this:
Somewhere in 1963, the phrase "You go, girl!" was created just for her. Now if I could just get that audio in a cell phone ring tone....
ON iPOD HOT ROTATION: THE R&B MIX
I'm bringin' back the 90's R&B, y'all. Words cannot express how much I love these songs, especially "Nite and Day" and "Two Occasions." Because I love ya, click on the songs to play the videos, and transport yourself back with me when rap was what the cops had on ya, headphones were big and hairspray was mandatory...
"The Right Stuff" -- Vanessa Williams (oh yes, "Ugly Betty", Imma get my crown yanked for nekkid pictures Vanessa Williams)
"Dreamin'" -- Vanessa Williams
"Fake" - Alexander O'Neal
"Whip Appeal" -- Babyface (with a special 21 Jump Street flava from Holly Robinson before she added the Peete)
"Two Occasions" -- The Deele
"Night and Day" -- Al B. Sure! (hello extraneous punctuation; it was the end of N*Sync..)
"I Wanna Be Your Man" -- Zapp and Roger (yeah, Akon, this is how you use the fuzzbox)
"The Way You Love Me" -- Karyn White
"Benefit of the Doubt" -- Pebbles (written by Babyface, originally for Vanessa Williams)
"Don't Disturb This Groove" -- The System
"Free Your Mind" -- En Vogue (a young Critia lipsynched to this all over a packed Penland cafeteria in college moving from table to table, for no reason)
Before I go any further, the last seconds of the Cowboys game. Holy effin COW. 5-0!!!!!
Forget the Romosexuals. This clutch-kicking rookie, Nick Folk, needs his own fan club:
Romo reportedly tied a Cowboys record with 5 interceptions. What he shouldn't feel bad about is the QB he's tied with. Troy Aikman. Not Danny White, not Babe Laufenberg, not Gary freakin' Hogeboom.
Chin up, Tone. Every gunslinger has a bad day; ask Brett Favre.
But no more "dates" for you with Carrie Underwood the night before a game.
WHY I LOVE LIZ TAYLOR
Elizabeth Rosemond Taylor turned 75 years old on February 27 of this year, and she has turned into the crazy ol' lady I can only aspire to be in a few decades. Witness:
I love it that she doesn't even care what anybody thinks of her anymore, so she's gonna howl at the pop-press. That howl says to me, "I'm Elizabeth Taylor, and I can buy and sell you. Aaaaand I'm out."
Miss Thang hangs with fabulous men both gay and straight, does charity work, INVENTED bling, did 8 sentences in the "my man's a pain in the ass" jail, is a Dame Commander of the British Empire, and has forever intwined her visage with the most powerful female ruler ever. Think of Cleopatra and try NOT to picture this:
Somewhere in 1963, the phrase "You go, girl!" was created just for her. Now if I could just get that audio in a cell phone ring tone....
ON iPOD HOT ROTATION: THE R&B MIX
I'm bringin' back the 90's R&B, y'all. Words cannot express how much I love these songs, especially "Nite and Day" and "Two Occasions." Because I love ya, click on the songs to play the videos, and transport yourself back with me when rap was what the cops had on ya, headphones were big and hairspray was mandatory...
"The Right Stuff" -- Vanessa Williams (oh yes, "Ugly Betty", Imma get my crown yanked for nekkid pictures Vanessa Williams)
"Dreamin'" -- Vanessa Williams
"Fake" - Alexander O'Neal
"Whip Appeal" -- Babyface (with a special 21 Jump Street flava from Holly Robinson before she added the Peete)
"Two Occasions" -- The Deele
"Night and Day" -- Al B. Sure! (hello extraneous punctuation; it was the end of N*Sync..)
"I Wanna Be Your Man" -- Zapp and Roger (yeah, Akon, this is how you use the fuzzbox)
"The Way You Love Me" -- Karyn White
"Benefit of the Doubt" -- Pebbles (written by Babyface, originally for Vanessa Williams)
"Don't Disturb This Groove" -- The System
"Free Your Mind" -- En Vogue (a young Critia lipsynched to this all over a packed Penland cafeteria in college moving from table to table, for no reason)
Friday, September 28, 2007
CRAKK SMAKKKK WHAPPPP!
I woke up this morning to what sounded like a chisel against my wall. As I came to, I realized it was phase II of the A/C installation, getting the old unit out and putting the new one in. There's, like, hole-cutting and mudding involved and a buncha other stuff I really didn't understand, the upshot being coolness and energy savings when it's all said and done.
The fun part was the work stopped, and I got to hear (through the vent, mind you) worker bee and boss who's probably sitting on his fat butt somewhere argue about the "pad" that the unit sits on via walkie-talkie. It went a little like this:
"Whuuuut part 'a 'don't tear up the pad' don't yuuu unnnerstahn? "
"I didn't tear it, what I said was---"
"WHUUUT PART 'A 'DON'T TEAR UP THE PAD', DON'T YUUU UNNNERSTAHN?"
"It's a female connection, we don't have the t---"
"WHUUUT PAR,.. 'A 'DON'T TEAR UP THE PAD',... DON'T YUUU UNNNERSTAHN?"
I was really about to stomp out there, grab the mic, and say, "What part of 'get your sarcastic fat butt over here and do something useful' don't YUUUUU understand. Now would you two gentlemen kindly quit comparing wrench sizes and GIT ME SOME DAMN A/C! Aaaaaand OUT."
Of course, as it always happens, I didn't actually do that, and as soon as I thought of it work began again. I've always been on the side of the proletariat, as that's where I come from, and I guess the "overseer" taking that tone just really grated me. Through my stepfather's work as a construction plumber, I came to realize that's what a lot of manual labor workers have to deal with: their bosses being combative jerks for no good reason and at a detriment to the project.
You've got to wonder if the situation would have been any different if the workers involved were women, specifically Texas women....
"Now, honey, you know we cain't tear that pad..."
"Oh, ah know, an' ah didn't. Couldjuu brang me a male connector??"
"Oh honey, if brangin' you males was only that easy.. (conversation dissolves into giggles...)
The fun part was the work stopped, and I got to hear (through the vent, mind you) worker bee and boss who's probably sitting on his fat butt somewhere argue about the "pad" that the unit sits on via walkie-talkie. It went a little like this:
"Whuuuut part 'a 'don't tear up the pad' don't yuuu unnnerstahn? "
"I didn't tear it, what I said was---"
"WHUUUT PART 'A 'DON'T TEAR UP THE PAD', DON'T YUUU UNNNERSTAHN?"
"It's a female connection, we don't have the t---"
"WHUUUT PAR,.. 'A 'DON'T TEAR UP THE PAD',... DON'T YUUU UNNNERSTAHN?"
I was really about to stomp out there, grab the mic, and say, "What part of 'get your sarcastic fat butt over here and do something useful' don't YUUUUU understand. Now would you two gentlemen kindly quit comparing wrench sizes and GIT ME SOME DAMN A/C! Aaaaaand OUT."
Of course, as it always happens, I didn't actually do that, and as soon as I thought of it work began again. I've always been on the side of the proletariat, as that's where I come from, and I guess the "overseer" taking that tone just really grated me. Through my stepfather's work as a construction plumber, I came to realize that's what a lot of manual labor workers have to deal with: their bosses being combative jerks for no good reason and at a detriment to the project.
You've got to wonder if the situation would have been any different if the workers involved were women, specifically Texas women....
"Now, honey, you know we cain't tear that pad..."
"Oh, ah know, an' ah didn't. Couldjuu brang me a male connector??"
"Oh honey, if brangin' you males was only that easy.. (conversation dissolves into giggles...)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
