eHARMONY

I'm finally free. I'd go through the whole "free at last" thing, but it's kinda disrespectful to the Good Doctor.

Those lying bastards are getting no more of my money. The ads you see on TV? Fifty bucks says they're actors. When these so-called "couples" actually start doing live interviews and/or being seen in public together, I might start to swallow it.

Everyone I've ever met who's been on or is still on eHarmony is dissatisfied with the experience, and didn't find "the one," or even anyone. My friend Katherine got matched to engineers, I got matched to preachers and missionaries. Oh, and that toothless guy with no car. And that's not a joke.

Dr. Neil Warren needs to quit popping back in my inbox, telling me how I've made a mistake and all the "spokescouples" quit too before rejoining and miraculously finding the love of their lives. Leave me alone, old man. Get out of my life, and take your Ted Knight haircut with you. I have escaped the prison of hope you put people in, and I'm passing around the key to everyone I can find.

Simply put, eHarmony does well and truly suck.

QUICK HITS: THE RECKONING

LAST-SECOND AWESOMENESS

Before I go any further, the last seconds of the Cowboys game. Holy effin COW. 5-0!!!!!

Forget the Romosexuals. This clutch-kicking rookie, Nick Folk, needs his own fan club:



Romo reportedly tied a Cowboys record with 5 interceptions. What he shouldn't feel bad about is the QB he's tied with. Troy Aikman. Not Danny White, not Babe Laufenberg, not Gary freakin' Hogeboom.

Chin up, Tone. Every gunslinger has a bad day; ask Brett Favre.

But no more "dates" for you with Carrie Underwood the night before a game.


WHY I LOVE LIZ TAYLOR

Elizabeth Rosemond Taylor turned 75 years old on February 27 of this year, and she has turned into the crazy ol' lady I can only aspire to be in a few decades. Witness:





I love it that she doesn't even care what anybody thinks of her anymore, so she's gonna howl at the pop-press. That howl says to me, "I'm Elizabeth Taylor, and I can buy and sell you. Aaaaand I'm out."

Miss Thang hangs with fabulous men both gay and straight, does charity work, INVENTED bling, did 8 sentences in the "my man's a pain in the ass" jail, is a Dame Commander of the British Empire, and has forever intwined her visage with the most powerful female ruler ever. Think of Cleopatra and try NOT to picture this:



Somewhere in 1963, the phrase "You go, girl!" was created just for her. Now if I could just get that audio in a cell phone ring tone....


ON iPOD HOT ROTATION: THE R&B MIX

I'm bringin' back the 90's R&B, y'all. Words cannot express how much I love these songs, especially "Nite and Day" and "Two Occasions." Because I love ya, click on the songs to play the videos, and transport yourself back with me when rap was what the cops had on ya, headphones were big and hairspray was mandatory...

"The Right Stuff" -- Vanessa Williams (oh yes, "Ugly Betty", Imma get my crown yanked for nekkid pictures Vanessa Williams)
"Dreamin'" -- Vanessa Williams
"Fake" - Alexander O'Neal
"Whip Appeal" -- Babyface (with a special 21 Jump Street flava from Holly Robinson before she added the Peete)
"Two Occasions" -- The Deele
"Night and Day" -- Al B. Sure! (hello extraneous punctuation; it was the end of N*Sync..)
"I Wanna Be Your Man" -- Zapp and Roger (yeah, Akon, this is how you use the fuzzbox)
"The Way You Love Me" -- Karyn White
"Benefit of the Doubt" -- Pebbles (written by Babyface, originally for Vanessa Williams)
"Don't Disturb This Groove" -- The System
"Free Your Mind" -- En Vogue (a young Critia lipsynched to this all over a packed Penland cafeteria in college moving from table to table, for no reason)