eHARMONY

I'm finally free. I'd go through the whole "free at last" thing, but it's kinda disrespectful to the Good Doctor.

Those lying bastards are getting no more of my money. The ads you see on TV? Fifty bucks says they're actors. When these so-called "couples" actually start doing live interviews and/or being seen in public together, I might start to swallow it.

Everyone I've ever met who's been on or is still on eHarmony is dissatisfied with the experience, and didn't find "the one," or even anyone. My friend Katherine got matched to engineers, I got matched to preachers and missionaries. Oh, and that toothless guy with no car. And that's not a joke.

Dr. Neil Warren needs to quit popping back in my inbox, telling me how I've made a mistake and all the "spokescouples" quit too before rejoining and miraculously finding the love of their lives. Leave me alone, old man. Get out of my life, and take your Ted Knight haircut with you. I have escaped the prison of hope you put people in, and I'm passing around the key to everyone I can find.

Simply put, eHarmony does well and truly suck.