Question and Answer with Critia

Due to some confusion, bewilderment and surprise at the new love in my life, I have prepared an FAQ to assist some my friends and chosen family. For those of you who haven't heard, or haven't met her, I'm dating possibly the most wonderful girl in the world and her name is Christina. Email me for details...

Christina hangin' with Elaina and some of the kids from The Company

1) So, was your dating life with guys such a disaster that you just switched to girls and gave up?

Well, yeah it *was* kind of a disaster, but a lot of it was I wasn't finding what I was looking for. I honestly believe that people are like puzzle pieces: you can bang them together to make them lock up, but in the end you damage both pieces and the fit isn't good anyway.

When I met Christina, the fit was perfect. I had this secret checklist that only God and I knew about, and I honestly thought I'd never find anyone that met everything on that list until I met her. I really struggled for what seems like forever with this conundrum: if I've found what I'm looking for in a person, am I going to let society dictate who I'm in a relationship with because she's a girl? Should I pass up a shot at happiness that seems surer than any other so far because people like Fred Phelps think it's wrong?

Yeah, y'all know how I feel about society anyway.


2) Wow, I kinda don't know how to act around you now. Will you get offended if I talk about hot guys, or want to get pedis, or go shopping?

I promise you I am the *exact* same person I was two weeks ago, two months ago. I still think some men are attractive (Gerard Butler), effing LOVE pedis at Maximum FX, and can't wait to drop 30-40 lbs so I can fit into some hot designer labels. You don't have to edit yourself around me, in fact, I highly discourage it. I don't like my friends edited, I prefer the director's cut.

3) Isn't this a bit sudden?

Well, I've never been one to be patient, plodding, wait around for a sign or a course of action. I was told once by someone I admired to "pick a star and follow it." I could list all the signs, portents, and coincidences that led me to believe this is the right path, but no one would understand them but me, because that's how those things are, highly specific to whatever person is supposed to get the message.

The upshot, kids, is that at the core of my being I am confident that this is what I need to do. Plus Katy Perry and a catchy beat told me to do it. :-)

4) So are you gonna stop wearing makeup altogether, chop your hair and wear flannel?

Yyyyyeah, right after I chuck it all and become a trucker. Admittedly my appearance has taken a serious downturn because of my general attitude toward my vocation and my life, but that's going to change, and it started last night. I even got hit on by the valet, so apparently the "cougar" stamp is still on my forehead.

And mullets are so over with.

5) I'm your friend and I'm a girl. Will you at any point hit on me?

YES. Expect that any time now. Seriously, a hug's still just a hug, a compliment is still just support from one sister to another. Nothing about how I feel about my friends has changed at all. Honestly, I'm just attracted to Christina, and not anymore anyone who'll buy me tequila.. :-P

6) I'm your friend and I'm a guy. This is kinda hot.
Yes, Scott Foil, I know. Now please let some other people ask some questions...

7) Do you no longer have a reflection?
We've been over this, Phil, it's a partial image...

8) I think that being gay is morally and/or biblically wrong.
Who let Sarah Palin in here? ... Yeah, then I'm not sure why you were my friend to begin with. I mean, you *know* me, right?

9) Can you help me fix my car?
Unfortunately dating a girl didn't automatically give me the lesbian superpowers I'd hoped for, like furniture construction and auto repair. And according to Elaina and Phil I still have the music tastes of a gay man.

I HEART Amy Poehler

Jesus, gawd:

Top Sports Phrases I Never Want to See Again

Working in the sports department and being a sports junkie, I've come across some really ridiculous verbiage in my time. Here's the Top 10 phrases that are driving me crazy right now.

10. "(Team name) dishes out some home cookin'." It's played, it's old, people were saying it in the '50s. None of those boys can cook anyway.

9. "When you talk about the Cowboys, you talk about a team that..." Troy Aikman is terrible about this; of *course* you're talking about the team, Troy, that's the purpose of your sentence. I've seen this creeping into print.

8. Mixed terminology: "The Texas Longhorns' defense pitched a shutout against quarterback Chase Daniel." It's not cute, it's just inherently wrong. Stop it.

7. "... the Southlake Carroll product's record..." He's a guy, not a product. No wonder there's so much commercialism of athletes.

6. "put on a clinic" ESPN pretty much killed this one. The first time I heard it, I said, "..huh, I've never heard that before.." The next 357,294 times, it made me crazy. The lameness factor counts double in print, triple in display type.

5. A "pitching duel". The pitchers never directly compete against each other, idiot. Don't make up impossible scenarios because your copy's weak.

4. "Youth is served." As what, dinner? What does this even MEAN? I've never seen this outside of sports copy.

3. A star player being described as a "stud". Don't be a jock-sniffer. Squelch the hero-worship.

2. Abbreviated nicknames. A-Rod, Man-Ram, K-Rod, D-Mac, JoePa, T.O., L.T., just stop it. Spend a little more effort, and you get the Nigerian Nightmare (Christian Okoye), the Splendid Splinter (Ted Williams), Andre "Bad Moon" Rison, and The Fridge (William Perry). Come on, sports writers, pick up your game.

1. Gridders, cagers, thinclads, spikers, grapplers, harriers, hurlers, and tankers. If you're writing for a small-town Texas newspaper in 1950, go nuts. Here in the century WE live in, nobody knows what the hell you're talking about except that 80-year-old guy who comes in for Friday night football to take scores.

This particular speech resonates with our current situation:

"Yet our distress comes from no failure of substance. We are stricken by no plague of locusts. Compared with the perils which our forefathers conquered because they believed and were not afraid, we have still much to be thankful for. Nature still offers her bounty and human efforts have multiplied it. Plenty is at our doorstep, but a generous use of it languishes in the very sight of the supply. Primarily this is because the rulers of the exchange of mankind’s goods have failed, through their own stubbornness and their own incompetence, have admitted their failure, and abdicated. Practices of the unscrupulous money changers stand indicted in the court of public opinion, rejected by the hearts and minds of men.

True they have tried, but their efforts have been cast in the pattern of an outworn tradition. Faced by failure of credit they have proposed only the lending of more money. Stripped of the lure of profit by which to induce our people to follow their false leadership, they have resorted to exhortations, pleading tearfully for restored confidence. They know only the rules of a generation of self-seekers. They have no vision, and when there is no vision the people perish.

The money changers have fled from their high seats in the temple of our civilization. We may now restore that temple to the ancient truths. The measure of the restoration lies in the extent to which we apply social values more noble than mere monetary profit.

Happiness lies not in the mere possession of money; it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort. The joy and moral stimulation of work no longer must be forgotten in the mad chase of evanescent profits. These dark days will be worth all they cost us if they teach us that our true destiny is not to be ministered unto but to minister to ourselves and to our fellow men.

Recognition of the falsity of material wealth as the standard of success goes hand in hand with the abandonment of the false belief that public office and high political position are to be valued only by the standards of pride of place and personal profit; and there must be an end to a conduct in banking and in business which too often has given to a sacred trust the likeness of callous and selfish wrongdoing. Small wonder that confidence languishes, for it thrives only on honesty, on honor, on the sacredness of obligations, on faithful protection, on unselfish performance; without them it cannot live."

These are not the eloquent words of speechwriters employed by Barack Obama or John McCain. These words come from the inaugural address of Franklin Delano Roosevelt on March 4, 1933, in his first term as president in the depths of The Great Depression.

In his second inaugural speech in 1937:

"I see one-third of a nation ill-housed, ill-clad and ill-nourished.... The test of our progress is not whether we add more to the abundance of those who have much; it is whether we provide enough for those who have too little."

We should be so lucky if our newly-elected president heeded the words of FDR.

Good God, y'all

Proof positive I'm not the most warped crayon in the box. Witness:

The No Duh Statement of the Week

From a story out of the London bureau of The Company:

Experts say European papers are prospering largely because they haven’t followed the U.S. path of draconian — and self-defeating — cuts in scope and quality of coverage.
“It’s a mystery to me why (U.S.) publishers think people will pay more for less, especially when the online world offers so many alternatives,” said George Kennedy, a professor emeritus at the University of Missouri School of Journalism.

*sigh.* And that's really all I have to say about that.

Critia's rules of surviving a horror movie

• If a fallen angel wants to have sex with you, under no circumstances let him. Do not have sexual relations with anyone else, either, because it's just him in disguise.
  
  
• Even if the vampire's got your mom, never, ever go looking for them until dawn. If he wanted to do harm to his abducted victim, he could do it faster than you got there anyway. Does the term "bait" mean anything to you?
  
  
• Not a lot of things survive fire. Best to pack a lighter and some flammable liquid in case stakes, bullets, etc. aren't doing the trick. When all else fails, Molotov cocktails may be the perfect weapon.
  
  
• If you are bitten by a vampire, werewolf, zombie, etc., you're dead, man. Don't try to hide it from your friends and pretend it's going to go away. Opt for death while you're still human, because even after you've turned, your buddies won't be able to stomach killing you.
  
  
• If your bitten buddy decides to split off from the gang and try to take out as many of the enemy threat as possible, start blasting away when you see him or her again. No matter what mind tricks are employed, that ain't your friend anymore, man.
  
  
• Holy water's never a bad thing to have. Neither is a gun.
  
  
• Learn from "Shaun of the Dead." Everyday objects, including the high heels you just tripped on, can be weapons; get creative.
  
  
• Speaking of those high heels, if you're being chased, just take 'em off and run. And if you fall, GET UP. No one's coming to help you, no matter how loud you scream.
  
  
• It always helps to have a friend who's a witch.
  
  
• Supernatural informants are always hanging out in dark clubs full of malevolent creatures. Have an escape plan. And have a Plan B.