I HEART Amy Poehler

Jesus, gawd:

Top Sports Phrases I Never Want to See Again

Working in the sports department and being a sports junkie, I've come across some really ridiculous verbiage in my time. Here's the Top 10 phrases that are driving me crazy right now.

10. "(Team name) dishes out some home cookin'." It's played, it's old, people were saying it in the '50s. None of those boys can cook anyway.

9. "When you talk about the Cowboys, you talk about a team that..." Troy Aikman is terrible about this; of *course* you're talking about the team, Troy, that's the purpose of your sentence. I've seen this creeping into print.

8. Mixed terminology: "The Texas Longhorns' defense pitched a shutout against quarterback Chase Daniel." It's not cute, it's just inherently wrong. Stop it.

7. "... the Southlake Carroll product's record..." He's a guy, not a product. No wonder there's so much commercialism of athletes.

6. "put on a clinic" ESPN pretty much killed this one. The first time I heard it, I said, "..huh, I've never heard that before.." The next 357,294 times, it made me crazy. The lameness factor counts double in print, triple in display type.

5. A "pitching duel". The pitchers never directly compete against each other, idiot. Don't make up impossible scenarios because your copy's weak.

4. "Youth is served." As what, dinner? What does this even MEAN? I've never seen this outside of sports copy.

3. A star player being described as a "stud". Don't be a jock-sniffer. Squelch the hero-worship.

2. Abbreviated nicknames. A-Rod, Man-Ram, K-Rod, D-Mac, JoePa, T.O., L.T., just stop it. Spend a little more effort, and you get the Nigerian Nightmare (Christian Okoye), the Splendid Splinter (Ted Williams), Andre "Bad Moon" Rison, and The Fridge (William Perry). Come on, sports writers, pick up your game.

1. Gridders, cagers, thinclads, spikers, grapplers, harriers, hurlers, and tankers. If you're writing for a small-town Texas newspaper in 1950, go nuts. Here in the century WE live in, nobody knows what the hell you're talking about except that 80-year-old guy who comes in for Friday night football to take scores.

This particular speech resonates with our current situation:

"Yet our distress comes from no failure of substance. We are stricken by no plague of locusts. Compared with the perils which our forefathers conquered because they believed and were not afraid, we have still much to be thankful for. Nature still offers her bounty and human efforts have multiplied it. Plenty is at our doorstep, but a generous use of it languishes in the very sight of the supply. Primarily this is because the rulers of the exchange of mankind’s goods have failed, through their own stubbornness and their own incompetence, have admitted their failure, and abdicated. Practices of the unscrupulous money changers stand indicted in the court of public opinion, rejected by the hearts and minds of men.

True they have tried, but their efforts have been cast in the pattern of an outworn tradition. Faced by failure of credit they have proposed only the lending of more money. Stripped of the lure of profit by which to induce our people to follow their false leadership, they have resorted to exhortations, pleading tearfully for restored confidence. They know only the rules of a generation of self-seekers. They have no vision, and when there is no vision the people perish.

The money changers have fled from their high seats in the temple of our civilization. We may now restore that temple to the ancient truths. The measure of the restoration lies in the extent to which we apply social values more noble than mere monetary profit.

Happiness lies not in the mere possession of money; it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort. The joy and moral stimulation of work no longer must be forgotten in the mad chase of evanescent profits. These dark days will be worth all they cost us if they teach us that our true destiny is not to be ministered unto but to minister to ourselves and to our fellow men.

Recognition of the falsity of material wealth as the standard of success goes hand in hand with the abandonment of the false belief that public office and high political position are to be valued only by the standards of pride of place and personal profit; and there must be an end to a conduct in banking and in business which too often has given to a sacred trust the likeness of callous and selfish wrongdoing. Small wonder that confidence languishes, for it thrives only on honesty, on honor, on the sacredness of obligations, on faithful protection, on unselfish performance; without them it cannot live."

These are not the eloquent words of speechwriters employed by Barack Obama or John McCain. These words come from the inaugural address of Franklin Delano Roosevelt on March 4, 1933, in his first term as president in the depths of The Great Depression.

In his second inaugural speech in 1937:

"I see one-third of a nation ill-housed, ill-clad and ill-nourished.... The test of our progress is not whether we add more to the abundance of those who have much; it is whether we provide enough for those who have too little."

We should be so lucky if our newly-elected president heeded the words of FDR.

Good God, y'all

Proof positive I'm not the most warped crayon in the box. Witness:

The No Duh Statement of the Week

From a story out of the London bureau of The Company:

Experts say European papers are prospering largely because they haven’t followed the U.S. path of draconian — and self-defeating — cuts in scope and quality of coverage.
“It’s a mystery to me why (U.S.) publishers think people will pay more for less, especially when the online world offers so many alternatives,” said George Kennedy, a professor emeritus at the University of Missouri School of Journalism.

*sigh.* And that's really all I have to say about that.

Critia's rules of surviving a horror movie

• If a fallen angel wants to have sex with you, under no circumstances let him. Do not have sexual relations with anyone else, either, because it's just him in disguise.
  
  
• Even if the vampire's got your mom, never, ever go looking for them until dawn. If he wanted to do harm to his abducted victim, he could do it faster than you got there anyway. Does the term "bait" mean anything to you?
  
  
• Not a lot of things survive fire. Best to pack a lighter and some flammable liquid in case stakes, bullets, etc. aren't doing the trick. When all else fails, Molotov cocktails may be the perfect weapon.
  
  
• If you are bitten by a vampire, werewolf, zombie, etc., you're dead, man. Don't try to hide it from your friends and pretend it's going to go away. Opt for death while you're still human, because even after you've turned, your buddies won't be able to stomach killing you.
  
  
• If your bitten buddy decides to split off from the gang and try to take out as many of the enemy threat as possible, start blasting away when you see him or her again. No matter what mind tricks are employed, that ain't your friend anymore, man.
  
  
• Holy water's never a bad thing to have. Neither is a gun.
  
  
• Learn from "Shaun of the Dead." Everyday objects, including the high heels you just tripped on, can be weapons; get creative.
  
  
• Speaking of those high heels, if you're being chased, just take 'em off and run. And if you fall, GET UP. No one's coming to help you, no matter how loud you scream.
  
  
• It always helps to have a friend who's a witch.
  
  
• Supernatural informants are always hanging out in dark clubs full of malevolent creatures. Have an escape plan. And have a Plan B.

Throw your hands up, Austin

Ladies and gentlemen of the ATX, hold your heads high, we've been named by Forbes as the hardest-drinking city in America. I'd like to think I contributed to our award and this distinction, and I'd like to thank the members of the academy, the fine folks at the Mean-Eyed Cat, Little Woodrow's, Trudy's for their Mexican Martinis, Cedar Door, Gingerman, Opal's Sixth, The Tiny Bar, Mother Egan's....

Raise a glass to yourselves, Austin. Stay classy!