My love life hates me
Once again, I tried to make a love connection and the wires were frayed. I've figured it out, actually. A happy, attached Critia means no more blogs, because I'd be too busy being disgustingly happy. So in the end, my angst is your entertainment. Enjoy, and I'll make it as palatable as possible.I can't seem to get it right. I mean, there was this perfectly wonderful, nice, considerate, kind man who loved football and thought it was cool that I did too. He had a job, his own car, went to law school for cryin' out loud, believed in God and yet wasn't one of those people who thanks God for the lettuce in their salad. You know what I mean, the kid of irritating person who credits Jesus that the whipped cream in their mocha was just raht... Anyway, he's a great guy, my friends would have loved him, hell, everyone I know would have loved him. So what do you think happened? Yes, chirren, the Single Curse of Critia struck again.
So yet another perfectly good man decided he wants to join the cast of thousands who don't want to date me. In talking this over with fellow single laydee and co-worker Katherine, I decided to embrace my spinsterhood and make it uniquely Critia. Therefore...
Put me on your chest
I responded with a design that makes being a 33-year-old spinster hip again. I call it the "Spinsta" line, and you can check it out at my CafePress page. Because if Fiddy can have bling on his shirt, so can I, bah Gad. Because being a Gen-X single girl doesn't have to be all cats and knitting. And basically, graphic design helps me deal with my pain...We talked at length after deadline at work about the "Spinsta" beer stein, and all sorts of crazy shenanigans it could be involved in. Which means people may get some for Christmas. :-)
Apparently the "Angry Chica" line is a hit with all sorts of people, in addition to the mothers of attitudinal preschoolers that I originally designed it for. A co-worker suggested that some of the gay bars at Texas-OU weekend would sell out of them, and I've a mind to test that. It was a little hard to wrap my mind around, but HIGH-larious nonetheless.
Please check out my designs, because they are a substitute for having children, and know that nothing's been marked up, it's all the base price that CafePress charges. No pressure, or anything... really...
Some culinary asides
• I had my very first Lean Pocket just now. They're, um, kinda gross. Which bears out my postulate that fat people food is designed to make you like food less.• Y'know that place on the top corner of macaroni & cheese boxes where you're supposed to "insert thumb and lift to tear"? Has that ever worked for anybody? Cuz all I get is the box all caving in, bending, and me just swearing and ripping the box top off at the seams. It seems silly to keep printing it, almost like they're taunting me. "Oh, Critia, you're so stupid, other people can do it just fine, it's only you, ohhh..." Perhaps I'm thinking too hard about this.
• Cheese tastes guuuuud. Ask Amy Zerba.
• We can put a man on the moon and serve him ice cream in his spacecraft, yet we can't make one of those Healthy Choice/Lean Cuisine/Smart Ones frozen dinner things taste yummy. Throw me a frickin' bone here. Big girls trying to lose weight will not eat things that taste bad; that's how we got big in the first place. I have known the pleasures of the most tender steak, the creamiest creme brulee, the fluffiest pancakes, the butteriest lobster. So why do you think imma eat some red bell pepper-laden hunk of half-frozen "chicken" half the size of my hand, 15 green peas and a carrot chunk and call it a day?
Traffic tips from Critie
Please pass these along to anyone you know who drives in Austin. Mainly so I don't kick them in the face.• The left-hand lane on highways, Mopac, etc. is for the fastest traffic. Do not stay in this lane if you're going the speed limit. It is your moral obligation to pay attention to your rear-view mirror if you insist on driving in this lane, because faster traffic (me) has no where else to go to pass you. Basically, unless you intend on being my challenger in the Bat-Outta-Hellathon, get the eff outta my way.
• Read the effin' highway signs. If the far right lane has no traffic in it, don't automatically hop over there thinking you're suddenly going to get ahead of everyone else. Chances are it's an exit only lane, and you'll be that idiot holding up traffic in the other lanes trying to get over when you finally realize you must exit.
• So you're stuck in heavy traffic. Do you think bobbing and weaving in between lanes is going to get you there any faster? Take a lesson from Office Space: just stay put, find a nice radio station, and don't be an impatient jerk.
• Get off your damn brakes. Seriously. Why not just go slow and gradual, rather than tap your brakes every other 4 seconds? Because if I bump into you when you slam on your brakes for no good reason, I will hit you in the face with my tire iron until you stay down. Don't be stupid. I mean it.
• Let people in, for God's sake. It's not gonna kill you to let someone in front of you, it won't delay your travel time, people won't respect you less as a driver. This is especially important when it's clear things are going down to one lane, and everyone needs to merge, Every other car, people. I let someone in front of me, then someone gets let in behind me, and so on. THAT"S HOW GROWN-UPS MERGE. Mentally retarded preschoolers in Ghana who have never seen a car can figure this out. Be nice, dammit. Or, you know, the tire iron.
• When you are the first car at the stoplight, it is your moral obligation to effing PAY ATTENTION. This is your job in our society at that moment. Don't stare at your passenger, gawk at things on the roadside, or pick that time to clean your car of rubbish. When that light hits green and it's obvious there are no other cars in the intersection, throw the hammer down. There are fourteen other cars behind you who need to get through that light. Perhaps me and my tire iron. Get a move on.
• When you hear a siren and see flashing lights for an emergency vehicle (fire engine, ambulance), PULL THE HELL OVER. If you can't pull into the right hand lane, because other people are doing what they're supposed to and stopping, get as far over to the right as you can and stop. If you're in the far right lane, dive down a street or into a parking lot to give way to the other cars. Those underpaid people in that vehicle are trying to save a life, and someday it'll be someone you care about. How would you feel if they were rushing to resuscitate your mom, or your child, and some self-centered jerk wouldn't pull over? Stop moving, get out of the damned way, and wish them godspeed.
Oh yeah, that work thing
Ask me about this section, since, even though it was positive, it involved work and I'm not supposed to blog about that.Currently listening to:
Enigma - Love Sensuality Devotion: The Greatest Hits
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